Misspent Youth
When I was younger, I got in a lot of trouble. As a very little kid, I had trouble with my emotions. I would get really, really upset and angry and lash out at people—family, friends, teachers. I llwould, essentially, “flip out.”
As I got older, I learned to stifle my outbursts a bit, but I was always drawn to the “dark side.” Even though I had plenty of friends, I wanted to hang with the ‘bad’ kids… I wanted to try all the stuff people told me I shouldn’t. I think it was my way to try to be *different*. My parents were normal. My brother was normal. My town was normal. I wanted to be ANYTHING but normal. So I would seek out people who weren’t like me. People who were different, unusual.
In typical teenage finding yourself fashion, I fell in with the “wrong” crowd. I was drinking, smoking pot, having sex, experimenting with drugs, etc. Nothing too serious, but enough to get my parents concerned and to make myself feel like I had an “edge.”
As time went on, I started realizing that I was just playing the role of an ‘angry’ teen and I wanted a little more acceptance. The ‘bad’ crowd was just that… bad. People to get fucked up with, but nothing more. So I drifted back to my ‘preppier’ friends… people I still hang out with until this day.
But I still had an edge. I still felt like the ‘outsider.’ The token pot-smoker in a group of people that thought smoking cigarettes was dangerous.
Even though I was squarely in the, well, square category, I played out my teenage rebellions with the guys I dated. In hindsight, it was probably because I didn’t think I could do any better, but I drifted towards my “type” of guys… rockers, stoners, dudes with tattoos. I would occasionally partake in drugs. I drank, but I was definitely the ‘straight’ girl.
I graduated from college, got a ‘good’ job and continued to go through the ‘right’ motions, but I was still curious. Still bored.
I was living with my boyfriend and having some issues with him, so I started looking outside of the relationship for my excitement…. And I found it. I fell into what is—by far—the most “experimental” era of my life. But almost by accident. And I didn’t realize what was happening at the time. Not to sound to Zen, but I just kind of *was* and then I *wasn’t*. Maybe I’ll write about it some other time… but the point is: it was exciting. I felt alive. I was experimenting, learning about new people, new experiences. It made me feel alive.
Maybe I’ve been chasing that ‘high’ ever since. A lot has changed in my life since then. I gave up the boyfriend, got out of debt, bought a house, etc. A lot of “right” decisions. A lot of ‘good’ choices. I’ve also made some bad choices: I’ve fallen into some bad/unhealthy relationships. I’ve certainly been drinking more that before. Making some ill-advised sexual choices. I’m definitely coming out of another “wild” period in my life.
And maybe that’s why I feel so boring lately. I don’t feel edgy. I don’t have any excitement in my life. Logically, I can tell you that much of the “edge” and “excitement” I experienced during my youth (and recent resurgence of youth) were ill-advised and not really productive. But I miss the feeling…. I miss the excitement, the adventure that comes with being bad. Of doing things outside the norm. Of not conforming.
So, happiness doesn’t come from drugs. It doesn’t come from alcohol. It doesn’t come from meaningless sex. But those things bring me excitement. So, what kinds of things can bring both? Excitement AND happiness? Edginess/non-conformity and comfort?
I’m still searching for the answer to that one. Some days I want to go back to the sex/drugs/rock and roll excitement of my youth. I want to go back to experimentation and mind-freeing. Part of me thinks that is juvenile and a cop-out.
But I also don’t buy into the traditional “vanilla” methods of risk taking… when I wrote the mySpace post that started this blog, lots of people gave me suggestions for how to add adventure to my life: take a class, go rock climbing, dye my hair. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for REAL adventure. Something new. Something different. Something non-destructive.
To make matters worse, I watched a marathon of The Drug Years and Sex: The Revolution on VH1 tonight. It’s totally making miss the Sex/Drugs/Rock & Roll adventure of my misspent youth!
