writing
Meh
There’s really something to be said for writing first thing in the morning. It’s almost midnight and I’ve been sitting here staring at my blog trying to think of something to write. Then I re-read old posts about how I have nothing to write. And old posts about how no one is reading. Quite a bit ofnavel-gazing on my part, dontcha think?
WHO CARES???
When I started this blog, I thought it would give me an outlet to write about things I didn’t feel comfortable posting on mySpace. Which, essentially, meant I spent a lot of time bitching about work. And kinda/sorta alluding to things in my personal life.
But I wanted to stay anonymous. So I couldn’t reallytalk about my personal life. I can’t post pictures of my friends and family, or even use their real names. And I find pseudonyms really annoying. Call it the anti- Mr. Big syndrome. His name was John. Get over it!
This blog has taught me a little bit about blog writing style, how to attract random readers, how to write succinctly and with purpose. It has also taught me that it’s important to have a niche… an angle. Some of my favorite blogs are very specialized, not just someones random ramblings on everything he/she thinks of.
Blogs can be many things– an online diary, a daily account of events/feelings/observation, a way to keep up with people and share your life. Each use has it’s pros and cons. I think I’m leaning more toward something a little more useful than what I have now.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Tired
I’m beat. But I’m supposed to write, so here goes. Today was an odd mix of productivity, reflection, procrastination, conversation and just plain craziness (which I realize doesn’t end in -ion. Did I mention I’m tired?)
I got no sleep due to the work issue. Then I got up this morning and tried to think about the work issue. And did some writing. Then I talked to some work peeps. and some non work peeps about the work issue. And then I was done. I didn’t want to talk about it any more. I didn’t want to think about it. I certainly didn’t want to write about it.
I have some revisions that need to take place before I send this monster out. I fully meant to do that tonight when I got online, but instead I’ve been fucking around on facebook and reading blogs. But I’m even too tired for that. Until a minute or two ago I was even typing with my eyes closed. A new personal low for me.
I’m seriously contemplating starting a public blog. Like the kind I tell my friends and family about. I’m lonely in this corner of the blogosphere. Yes, I’ll have to give up some of the anonymity and I’ll have to watch what I say, but maybe it would be worth it knowing someone is reading.
Time. For. Bed. NOW!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Here We Go, Again…
Goal: To blog every day this week (yes, I know it’s a holiday), starting with this Monday morning freewrite.
I got out of bed and had a million things running through my head: my review today, the work I need to get done, the laundry I didn’t fold. Then I took the dog for a walk. Ideas there, too… I even thought of a brilliant title for the blog I was going to write.
I get inside, give the dog a treat and open the computer. I rememeber that I need to check something for work. So I do… and get totally sidetracked. I’ve forgotten all the stuff I thought of first thing this morning and the witty blog title is gone. I guess this means I really should write FIRST THING in the morning. Like, before doing anything else.
Oh, and now I remember. The blog I was going to write was all about fear. It’s a recurring theme, but for some reason it’s not in my tag cloud. Maybe later.
I’ve also been thinking about different ways we can use the Web 2.0 technologies. Everyone is assuming we need to build everything into OUR site. Would it be so bad if we were simply a feature of another site? What if we developed a facebook app? Or simply a group? What if we used Ning to create our own social network instead of building it from the ground up? Could we use Yelp to get members to rate conference sessions? Journal articles?
I’m making it my personal duty to research these and make some reccomendations. I’m a user, after all… not a developer.
15 mins are up…
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )For Reals
We’ve established that I’m horrible at blogging. In an effort to get better, here are some random happenings:
- Some bratty kid kicked my dog at the pet store the other day. Just walked right up and kicked her. Then the parents SORTA said “sorry” before picking up the kid, hugging her and telling her it was okay. Um, no… it’s NOT OK! As my friend said: “that’s how serial killers start.”
- I’m thinking about getting a bike. There’s a local bike co-op. I think I’ll go tomorrow and see about getting a bike. I want to bike for a number of reasons: exercise, transportation, saving the environment. Those are good enough reasons, dontcha think?
- We’re learning to write for the web at work. I’m trying to use the tools to start an intra-staff blog. We’ll see what happens. It’s amazing how little people know about this crazy new internet thing. Even the developers. Weird.
- I’m hating that WordPress took away the “insert image” link. Now I have to add it as “media”? WTF? I liked it better when I could just steal from someone else. I guess that’s the point, huh?
- I finished a book this month. Which doesn’t sound like it should be THAT big of an accomplishment, but I’m still reading On the Road from May. Just can’t get into it. I really want to like it. It’s got sex. It’s got drugs. It’s got counter-culture. But I’m just not as into it as I want to be.
- I’m also reading a book about Web 2.0 (or Web Twenty as the cool kids are calling it). Very interesting. I’ll post a review when I’m done.
If a Tree Falls in the Blogosphere…
Does anyone hear it?? I’ve completely neglected this blog. Not because nothing interesting has happened. In fact, TONS of interesting stuff has happened in the last couple of weeks. But in a bad way.
No, I’ve been absent for a number of other reasons a) i’ve been dealing with other stuff that I’m not sure I want to share with the world, however anonymously b) it appears people are only coming to the blog for photos and c) I just haven’t felt the need to write.
When I decided to start this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to write about stuff I didn’t feel comfortable sharing on my mySpace blog. For that reason, I didn’t promote it to my friends and family, I don’t have pictures or links to the “real” me… I guess I (vainly) thought blogging was like Field of Dreams; If you blog it, they will come.
But I realize now that having a successful blog takes commitment… daily writing, interesting posts, promotion. I guess I could do that. If nothing else, I need to get back to posting every day. But do I really want to go through the work to promote my blog? Especially since I don’t know what I’m writing about? Or why?
The other challenge is how much personal stuff to share… 99% of the things I want to write about have to do with friends/family/coworkers…. but I don’t want to give too much away.
Anyway, this is a long meandering post. . . with very little resolution. Maybe I’ll figure it out one day.
~Peace
Let’s Talk about Stats, baby!
I was going to do another morning freewrite when I logged onto wordpress, checked my blog stats (as I do obsessively 3 or 4 times a day!). So I decided to scrap the freewriting idea and focus on the sexiest idea I could think of–blog stats!!
Even before logging in, I was anticipating what I would find. I’ve been getting really high hits because I “borrowed” a couple of photos: one for a post on Lost and the other for a poetry post. A poetry post describing my dislike for poetry, nonetheless. Yesterday was my “best day ever” in terms of blog stats. Funny, ‘cuz I didn’t post anything yesterday. Go figure!
Now, I’m happy that *anyone* is coming to my blog. And I’m thrilled that people are looking at my Lost stuff, if even for a moment. But that poetry post was a complete throwaway… Yeah, the image is super cool, but I just don’t get why people are coming to it.
I know that in the blogging world, it’s all about the numbers. How many hits, how many subscribers, etc., etc. But that was never my intention, which makes it even more ironic that I’m obsessed with that little bar graph. I doubt that I have many regular readers. I get more comments on my mySpace blog than I do here, but what tickles me is when I open my blog stats and see REAL stuff. Yeah, it’s only 4 or 5 hits, but I think it’s cool that:
- There is a Yahoo group devoted to Henry Ian Cusick, and they were talking about my blog, if only for a day
- The guy at SF Signal agreed with my reasoning for loving Lost
- At least a few people are reading this from their Google readers and myYahoo feeds
I’m not really sure I want to “market” this blog. Yes, I love to see that little line spike high, but this blog is a mismash, it doesn’t have purpose, it doesn’t have a defined angle. Hell, it doesn’t even have good writing most of the time. But I do love it when people stumble upon me, so I think I’ll go ahead and link to those uber-popular images again, so maybe–just maybe– someone might read this as well!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )I’m Thinking Of…
My friend who lost his dad… He was only 60 years old. An alcoholic, but a good guy. And his mom died years ago. Now my friend doesn’t have *any* parents. What’s that like at 29? I mean, my MOM still has a mother. Yeah, she has Alzheimer’s and is in the hospital right now. But she’s still alive. Shit, my DAD still has a mother and he’s almost 65. Why does my grandma get to live until she’s 90 while this guy’s dad kicks the bucket at 60????
What’s it like being 29 years old and an orphan? Especially when you don’t have a very close relationship with your sister? As a side note, my brother just said: “and it’s not like he’s close to his sister.” That kinda made me all warm and fuzzy inside. Like my bro realizes what we have is special.
Back to what I’m thinking of. Mortality. Death. The futility of life. But, it is what you make of it, right? I don’t want to turn out like that poor soul. Alcoholic and alone. But, what am I right now? Alone and drunk with 3 dogs running around and my *mom* delivering me Taco Bell! Is that pathetic?
I don’t usually sit around drinking by myself, but I figured I had nothing better to do. Does this mean that in 11 years my kids are gonna find me passed out in a diabetic coma? Are the papers gonna get my survivors’ names wrong? What will my legacy be? Let’s hope it’s not this.
Wow… that’s some deep shit. All because of drunken web surfing.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )I’m looking at…
I stole this idea from http://simmonssays.wordpress.com/2008/05/21/writing-exercise/. I’ll totes give her credit.
I’m looking at 30. Yeah, that’s right. I’m getting fucking old. One of those legendary stories growing up was how, at the age of 3 or 4, I said that Madonna should retire from being a singer because she was 30. Because she was ancient. And here I am… 29 years old… turning 30 in a mere 9 months.
I don’t feel ancient. In fact, I don’t feel grown up. I have a house. A dog. A mortgage. Shit, I’m dog sitting my moms pups tonight. But I’m plowed. Ruby Red Absolut + Fresca + Top Chef = One Hell of a Wednesday Night in my book.
So, if we take the question more literally, what amI looking at? Well, the computer screen, obviously. And my reflection in the mirror. Since I was a little girl I’ve always been obsessed with my own appearance. Not too bad, I say… maybe a little pale. Definitely a little pudgier than I was last year. But I’m a cute girl… or so I tell myself.
What else do I see? I see a futon. I see purses. I see a room that needs to be cleaned. I hear dogs in the other room playing with something they’re not supposed to. Maybe I should go check on them.
So the dogs were in their crates. Good puppies. Then my brother called to say he sold his house. Yay!
Now I’m looking at my dog and the black dog fighting. This isn’t as interesting as I thought it would be. I’ll try again later. Maybe when I’m sober.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Why I Heart Lost
It’s no secret… I’m addicted to Lost. Not since my pre-teen Family Ties days have I been so enthralled with a television show. Although there have been plenty of shows that I’ve watched since, none have quite captured my interest like this one. It’s honestly the *only* show I religiously watch every week. So what is it about this show that makes it so great? Is it the characters? The plot? The mystery?
Since there is no Lost this week, I’ve decided to break down the top 5 reasons I heart Lost:
5) Naveen Andrews, Josh Holloway, Henry Ian Cusick– A top 4 list isn’t quite as catchy as a Top 5 list, so I had to throw some eye-candy in here. The actors who portray Sayid, Sawyer, and Desmond are-in a word- HOTT! I’m not a big Jack fan, but he cleans up nice. And the girls are okay, too. Kate is a bit too horse-like for my taste, but I totally dig Juliet. Can’t go wrong with pretty people on a pretty island.
4) It makes me feel smart. And then stupid. And then smart again. Like any good mystery, Lost is filled with clues, red herrings, villains, heroes and “WTF just happened?” moments. It makes me feel smart when I figure something out (like Juliet’s real purpose last season) and then stupid again when I realize I just “fell” for one of the producers’ tricks… they wanted me to put two and two together.
There are so many layers to the show… there are pop culture references, literary references, an entire mythology that is derived from what the producers refer to as the “canon.” Some things (the show itself, official podcasts, webisodes, etc.) are considered to be part of the canon and, therefore, presented as truth. Other things (actors’ interviews, an alternate reality game, unofficial web sites) are non-canonical and can’t be completely trusted, but provide a great source of information for the theory-makers.
3) There’s a little something for everyone— Action, romance, mystery, science fiction, psychology, hippies, sex, drugs, rock and roll (well… there was Rock & Roll), mysticism, religion, animals, family drama… and HUMOR. Don’t forget the humor. Hurley and Sawyer, in particular, are great at delivering the witty one-liner. Even if you don’t think you like science fiction (I don’t) or aren’t “into” all the mystery-making, you’ll find something to glom onto.
In talking to people about this season it became clear to me that different people identify with different aspects of the show. Some people are concerned about what is happening RIGHT NOW on the show– are they gonna find the chopper? What’s up with that thing on Keemy’s arm? (I’m trying to be as vague as possible), whereas I’m less interested in the action of the island and more interested in how the “current” events weave into the larger context of the show. It’s like a big puzzle and even though I don’t know how all the pieces will fit together, I have confidence that the writers are taking us somewhere… somewhere amazing!
2) The writers/producers are amazing. I have no clue what it takes to write a television series, especially one as complex and multi-layered as this one. But these writers are God-like in my book. They started the series with the “island present”/flashback format. Through this we were able to meet and identify with the characters, while also moving the story forward and giving us background on both the characters and the plot. They’ve also managed to introduce new characters (sometimes not-so-successfully) in a way that propelled the story forward, yet maintained the core of the show. I have to remind myself that some of my favorite characters– Ben, Desmond, Juliet– weren’t even on the show the first season.
And then the changed it all up at the end of the last season. I’m not going to ruin for anyone, but it was mind-blowing. And by all accounts, there’s another mind-shift happening at the end of this season. Brilliant!
They’ve also managed to make a fairly fast-paced, mythology-driven show that actually has compelling *characters.* Too often in “genre” shows, the writers rely on the tried-and-true devices of the genre and don’t focus as much on character development. I think Lost has proven itself to be *much* more than a genre show by giving the characters such depth. Sure, it’s taken 4 years for some characters (Sawyer is just coming into his own) while others seem fairly stock (Jack), but I don’t think we ever saw this kind of character development on, say, Star Trek.
While we’re on the subject, I refuse to classify this as science fiction. Yeah, there are some otherworldly things going on here. But it’s soooooo much more than that. Plus, I hate sci fi!
1) The Lost Community– Now, if nothing else I ever do doesn’t brand me a dork, this will: I think my favorite part of watching Lost is the day-after. Yes, it’s a water-cooler show. And yes, I’m glad it’s on Thursday now so that I don’t feel *quite* so guilty discussing it with my friends/co-workers on Friday.
But, again, it’s so much more than that. There’s a whole community built around this show. I consider myself a pretty big fan. I usually read the blogs the next day to catch up on the latest theory/obscure reference I’ve missed. Hell, I’ve even started taking LIVE notes and sharing them with fellow “Losties” via email. But I’m NO WHERE near as devoted as some of the people online.
The likes of Doc Jensen, Doc Arzt and that guy from Powells (J. Wood, apparently) spend a great deal of time and energy researching the show, making sense of every bit of dialogue, imagery, and context. And those guys get paid for it. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of regular people who do it just for fun.
Take the first episode where we met the “freighter people” for example. I watched the show and thought: “hmmm…that redheaded actress is kinda pretty, wonder what’s up with her.” The Lost faithful immediately realized that her name was c.s. lewis, the author of the Chronicles of Narnia. And then made a million connections to why that was significant and what it means to the larger context of the show. And that, my friends is why I love the show. As Lenny Kravitz once said: “It ain’t over till it’s over.” And with Lost, it ain’t never over!
So, if you’re already a Lost fan, let’s talk in a couple of weeks about what is bound to be a mind-blowing finale. And if you’re not… rent the DVDs and get caught up. You won’t be disappointed!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Misspent Youth
When I was younger, I got in a lot of trouble. As a very little kid, I had trouble with my emotions. I would get really, really upset and angry and lash out at people—family, friends, teachers. I llwould, essentially, “flip out.”
As I got older, I learned to stifle my outbursts a bit, but I was always drawn to the “dark side.” Even though I had plenty of friends, I wanted to hang with the ‘bad’ kids… I wanted to try all the stuff people told me I shouldn’t. I think it was my way to try to be *different*. My parents were normal. My brother was normal. My town was normal. I wanted to be ANYTHING but normal. So I would seek out people who weren’t like me. People who were different, unusual.
In typical teenage finding yourself fashion, I fell in with the “wrong” crowd. I was drinking, smoking pot, having sex, experimenting with drugs, etc. Nothing too serious, but enough to get my parents concerned and to make myself feel like I had an “edge.”
As time went on, I started realizing that I was just playing the role of an ‘angry’ teen and I wanted a little more acceptance. The ‘bad’ crowd was just that… bad. People to get fucked up with, but nothing more. So I drifted back to my ‘preppier’ friends… people I still hang out with until this day.
But I still had an edge. I still felt like the ‘outsider.’ The token pot-smoker in a group of people that thought smoking cigarettes was dangerous.
Even though I was squarely in the, well, square category, I played out my teenage rebellions with the guys I dated. In hindsight, it was probably because I didn’t think I could do any better, but I drifted towards my “type” of guys… rockers, stoners, dudes with tattoos. I would occasionally partake in drugs. I drank, but I was definitely the ‘straight’ girl.
I graduated from college, got a ‘good’ job and continued to go through the ‘right’ motions, but I was still curious. Still bored.
I was living with my boyfriend and having some issues with him, so I started looking outside of the relationship for my excitement…. And I found it. I fell into what is—by far—the most “experimental” era of my life. But almost by accident. And I didn’t realize what was happening at the time. Not to sound to Zen, but I just kind of *was* and then I *wasn’t*. Maybe I’ll write about it some other time… but the point is: it was exciting. I felt alive. I was experimenting, learning about new people, new experiences. It made me feel alive.
Maybe I’ve been chasing that ‘high’ ever since. A lot has changed in my life since then. I gave up the boyfriend, got out of debt, bought a house, etc. A lot of “right” decisions. A lot of ‘good’ choices. I’ve also made some bad choices: I’ve fallen into some bad/unhealthy relationships. I’ve certainly been drinking more that before. Making some ill-advised sexual choices. I’m definitely coming out of another “wild” period in my life.
And maybe that’s why I feel so boring lately. I don’t feel edgy. I don’t have any excitement in my life. Logically, I can tell you that much of the “edge” and “excitement” I experienced during my youth (and recent resurgence of youth) were ill-advised and not really productive. But I miss the feeling…. I miss the excitement, the adventure that comes with being bad. Of doing things outside the norm. Of not conforming.
So, happiness doesn’t come from drugs. It doesn’t come from alcohol. It doesn’t come from meaningless sex. But those things bring me excitement. So, what kinds of things can bring both? Excitement AND happiness? Edginess/non-conformity and comfort?
I’m still searching for the answer to that one. Some days I want to go back to the sex/drugs/rock and roll excitement of my youth. I want to go back to experimentation and mind-freeing. Part of me thinks that is juvenile and a cop-out.
But I also don’t buy into the traditional “vanilla” methods of risk taking… when I wrote the mySpace post that started this blog, lots of people gave me suggestions for how to add adventure to my life: take a class, go rock climbing, dye my hair. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for REAL adventure. Something new. Something different. Something non-destructive.
To make matters worse, I watched a marathon of The Drug Years and Sex: The Revolution on VH1 tonight. It’s totally making miss the Sex/Drugs/Rock & Roll adventure of my misspent youth!
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