I’ve decided to become a biker, as in cyclist, not a Harley Chick!

I got my old bike out of my mom’s garage, aired up the tires and took her for a spin.  I’ve been biking around town for fun and exercise, but now it’s time to take the leap and bike for transportation.

A fruitful trip to Target yielded a new bike lock (which I don’t 100% understand), a padded gel seat, and a backpack to carry my stuff.  I tried out all my new “gear” on a short trip to the grocery store.  Everything worked out well except I underestimated how much room my groceries would take up. I was hoping to get everything in my backpack, but I had to use a plastic bag instead.  Lesson learned.

Tomorrow will be my first attempt at commuting to work on 2 wheels.  It’s about 3.5 miles from my house to work and I’ve ridden it in about 1/2 an hour.  But that was at night. Without traffic.  I figure I’ll have to leave about 40 mins early to give me enough time to get there and “freshen up” before everyone arrives.

I still don’t know what I’m gonna do about the clothing situation.  Part of me thinks I should have seperate biking clothes and change into  my ” real” clothes when I get to work.  The other part of me is cringing at the thought.  Plus, my bag isn’t really big enough to hold an entire change of clothes.  I guess I’ll just see how tomorrow goes and then decide.

I’m pretty excited about this new adventure… I kinda thought it would be fun to do and write about my experiences.  Apparently so did the News-Gazette’s “roving reporter.”  She started last week.

A day late and a dollar short, I guess!!

There’s really something to be said for writing first thing in the morning.  It’s almost midnight and I’ve been sitting here staring at my blog trying to think of something to write.  Then I re-read old posts about how I have nothing to write.  And old posts about how no one is reading.  Quite a bit ofnavel-gazing on my part, dontcha think? 

WHO CARES???

When I started this blog, I thought it would give me an outlet to write about things I didn’t feel comfortable posting on mySpace.  Which, essentially, meant I spent a lot of time bitching about work.  And kinda/sorta alluding to things in my personal life.

But I wanted to stay anonymous.  So I couldn’t reallytalk about my personal life.  I can’t post pictures of my friends and family, or even use their real names.  And I find pseudonyms really annoying.  Call it the anti- Mr. Big syndrome.  His name was John.  Get over it!

This blog has taught me a little bit about blog writing style, how to attract random readers, how to write succinctly and with purpose.  It has also taught me that it’s important to have a niche… an angle.  Some of my favorite blogs are very specialized, not just someones random ramblings on everything he/she thinks of. 

Blogs can be many things– an online diary, a daily account of events/feelings/observation, a way to keep up with people and share your life.  Each use has it’s pros and cons.  I think I’m leaning more toward something a little more useful than what I have now.

I’m beat.  But I’m supposed to write, so here goes.  Today was an odd mix of productivity, reflection, procrastination, conversation and just plain craziness (which I realize doesn’t end in -ion. Did I mention I’m tired?)

I got no sleep due to the work issue.  Then I got up this morning and tried to think about the work issue.  And did some writing.  Then I talked to some work peeps. and some non work peeps about the work issue. And then I was done.  I didn’t want to talk about it any more. I didn’t want to think about it.  I certainly didn’t want to write about it. 

I have some revisions that need to take place before I send this monster out.  I fully meant to do that tonight when I got online, but instead I’ve been fucking around on facebook and reading blogs.  But I’m even too tired for that.  Until a minute or two ago I was even typing with my eyes closed.  A new personal low for me.

I’m seriously contemplating starting a public blog.  Like the kind I tell my friends and family about.  I’m lonely in this corner of the blogosphere.  Yes, I’ll have to give up some of the anonymity and I’ll have to watch what I say, but maybe it would be worth it knowing someone is reading.

Time. For. Bed. NOW!

WOW… today was one hell of a roller coaster ride.  The review I was all worked up about was anti-climactic.  I didn’t even get to say 1/2 the brilliant things I rehearsed in my head.  I didn’t even talk about my disdain for my job. Or my web 2.0 ideas.  I basically went through the motions and provided somewhat worthwhile quips here and there.  My boss generally rated me higher than I rated myself. Provided some constructive feedback, and that was it.

Then I went to “camp” and spilled my guts to a friend. I hope she keeps my secret. I’m sure she will.

And then… AND THEN…  I got some information that sent me into a tailspin.  Confirmation that my boss BELIEVES all the BS my arch-nemesis feeds her.   Believes that she’s a hard working member of the team. Believes that she puts the organization first.  Believes that she’s productive, for Cripes Sakes.   SERIOUSLY??

What kind of rose colored glasses is this woman wearing?  Does she just want to believe?  Or is the nemesis just that good at manipulation?  I think it’s a little of both.

But I’m not going down without a fight. No, my side of the story is getting TOLD.  Bitch isn’t going to slander me without repercussions.  I’m usually a bridge-builder, not a fighter.  But this time it’s ON.  And the gloves are OFF.

Goal: To blog every day this week (yes, I know it’s a holiday), starting with this Monday morning freewrite.

I got out of bed and had a million things running through my head: my review today, the work I need to get done, the laundry I didn’t fold.   Then I took the dog for a walk.  Ideas there, too… I even thought of a brilliant title for the blog I was going to write.

I get inside, give the dog a treat and open the computer.  I rememeber that I need to check something for work.  So I do… and get totally sidetracked.  I’ve forgotten all the stuff I thought of first thing this morning and the witty blog title is gone.  I guess this means I really should write FIRST THING in the morning. Like, before doing anything else.

Oh, and now I remember.  The blog I was going to write was all about fear.  It’s a recurring theme, but for some reason it’s not in my tag cloud. Maybe later.

I’ve also been thinking about different ways we can use the Web 2.0 technologies.  Everyone is assuming we need to build everything into OUR site.  Would it be so bad if we were simply a feature of another site?  What if we developed a facebook app?  Or simply  a group?  What if we used Ning to create our own social network instead of building it from the ground up?  Could we use Yelp to get members to rate conference sessions?  Journal articles?

I’m making it my personal duty to research these and make some reccomendations.  I’m a user, after all… not a developer.

15 mins are up…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’ve been reading this book, Once You’re Lucky, Twice You’re Good, about the people who made “Web 2.0” a reality.

It has made me think a number of things. First, I shoulda learned to code… there’s a dire shortage of estrogen in Silicon Valley and I coulda been the Wonder-girl coder. If I knew how. And was slightly geekier.

Aside from that, it made me think about my job. It’s just not a good fit. Even if things were *perfect* there—no annoying co-workers, a boss that “gets it,” a huge promotion, it still wouldn’t be right. Although there are plenty of policies, procedures and new initiatives, there is really nothing exciting about the organization, it’s products, or it’s customers.

There are new products, but no entrepreneurial spirit. There are mandates and metrics, but no innovation. There are measures of success, chains of command, and meeting upon meeting, but there’s no there there. In short, no soul.

Do you know how I describe my job? By what it isn’t. Not what it is. It isn’t glamorous. It isn’t exciting. It isn’t fun. Sure, I’ve been promoted a couple of times. And I make my fair share of money. I get to travel. I have a good benefits package, easy parking, and a super short commute. The kinds of things that many of my friends complain about are simply non-issues for me. But I’m not going to get rich off this job. Or famous. Or fulfilled. There’s no FUN in my job. No excitement. No sou.l

I have my annual review tomorrow. I tanked on my 6 month review. Totally flamed out. This time around I simply don’t care. So what if I’m doing a great job? So what if I’m doing a shitty job? Either way, I get very little from it. Certainly not money. Not respect. Not prestige.

So, why do I work? If I worked just for a paycheck, this would be enough. I get a paycheck. I can pay the bills. I’ve even been promoted a couple of times (although, admittedly, not recently).

But if I’m working for professional fulfillment and growth, I’ve thrown the last 7 years away. I wasted my “genius” years at a dying company. At an old-school industry that has no future. Sure, my company will be around in 5, 10 years… but it won’t be changing the world. Not making a real difference. And, again, not making any money.

I am also influenced by Resolved, an HBO documentary about high school debate teams. In it, there’s a team from South Central LA who attempt to take down the “system” from the inside, by using the rules of debate to argue that the system itself was inherently elitist and racist. I was so moved by this film that I even used it as an example of what my team could do about the ridiculous review process.

But now I realize it’s not possible. Even if I made some small victories like this, it’s not going to change the culture. It’s not going to change the structure and the old-school thinking that makes ridiculous procedures and policies necessary. There is no trust. There is no room for new ideas, new voices. It’s so top-heavy that only a select few have power to affect change. And not even then. Even the top brass aren’t REALLY making a difference. I guess I just don’t believe anymore. Not that there was much to believe in to begin with.

I’ve gone over conversations in my head a million times. Telling the boss about how I describe my job to others. Telling her about the lack of trust. The organizational culture. That I’m too smart and talented to work there. But also too scared to leave.

As for now, I think it’s time for bed. Enough rambling for one night!

that last weeks edition of The Soup had a bit about Groomer Has It?  I wrote about it a couple weeks ago.  I new it was only a matter of time before Joel McHale and Co. figured out how ridiculous that show is.  I really should write for that show. 

I’m smart. That’s all!

We’ve established that I’m horrible at blogging. In an effort to get better, here are some random happenings:

• Some bratty kid kicked my dog at the pet store the other day.  Just walked right up and kicked her.  Then the parents SORTA said “sorry” before picking up the kid, hugging her and telling her it was okay.  Um, no… it’s NOT OK!  As my friend said: “that’s how serial killers start.”
• I’m thinking about getting a bike.  There’s a local bike co-op. I think I’ll go tomorrow and see about getting a bike.  I want to bike for a number of reasons:  exercise, transportation, saving the environment.  Those are good enough reasons, dontcha think?
• We’re learning to write for the web at work.  I’m trying to use the tools to start an intra-staff blog. We’ll see what happens.  It’s amazing how little people know about this crazy new internet thing.  Even the developers.  Weird.
• I’m hating that WordPress took away the “insert image” link.  Now I have to add it as “media”?  WTF?  I liked it better when I could just steal from someone else.  I guess that’s the point, huh?
• I finished a book this month.   Which doesn’t sound like it should be THAT big of an accomplishment, but I’m still reading On the Road from May.  Just can’t get into it. I really want to like it.  It’s got sex.  It’s got drugs.  It’s got counter-culture.  But I’m just not as into it as I want to be. 
• I’m also reading a book about Web 2.0 (or Web Twenty as the cool kids are calling it).  Very interesting.  I’ll post a review when I’m done.

It’s time for some reflection.  I haven’t been blogging lately.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to blog about, I’ve just completely lost interest.  In fact, I think my LAST blog was about not wanting to blog.

But that’s not what I’m reflecting on.  What’s interesting to me is that this is most likely one of those “turning point” times in my life.  You know, the kind you look back on and say *that* profoundly changed me/taught me something about myself.

It’s not something I’m interested in sharing with the world, but what’s interesting to me is that I don’t want to write about it.  I don’t want to sit down and tell the story (even to myself) or put much thought into it. Not that I don’t think about it all the time, but maybe putting stuff in writing makes it “realer”

Which makes me wonder:  During times of crisis/change, are we even capable of reflecting on what is happening to us or do we simply “survive” and reflection comes later?   Or is the mere fact that I’m writing this contradicting my own assessment of myself?

Wow… I’m confused!

Does anyone hear it?? I’ve completely neglected this blog. Not because nothing interesting has happened. In fact, TONS of interesting stuff has happened in the last couple of weeks. But in a bad way.

No, I’ve been absent for a number of other reasons a) i’ve been dealing with other stuff that I’m not sure I want to share with the world, however anonymously b) it appears people are only coming to the blog for photos and c) I just haven’t felt the need to write.

When I decided to start this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to write about stuff I didn’t feel comfortable sharing on my mySpace blog. For that reason, I didn’t promote it to my friends and family, I don’t have pictures or links to the “real” me… I guess I (vainly) thought blogging was like Field of Dreams; If you blog it, they will come.

But I realize now that having a successful blog takes commitment… daily writing, interesting posts, promotion. I guess I could do that. If nothing else, I need to get back to posting every day. But do I really want to go through the work to promote my blog? Especially since I don’t know what I’m writing about? Or why?

The other challenge is how much personal stuff to share… 99% of the things I want to write about have to do with friends/family/coworkers…. but I don’t want to give too much away.

Anyway, this is a long meandering post. . . with very little resolution. Maybe I’ll figure it out one day.
~Peace